(By the way i should be writing for school, not complaints. Oops.)
I have a serious question. I don't know why I'm posting on my blogger, though. At most, probably 2 friends will read this. Unless I show my other friends.
My question is...
Well... Instead of jumping to the main question, I need to say some stuff.
First, it's February of '11. Anyone reading this knows what happens in that month. Valentines day, my birthday, presidents day, my sisters birthday, and so many other things.
But something happened on February XV MMX that I regret so, so, so badly. You have no idea how much I regret it.
My question, what should I do? I think I want to talk again. But peoples reactions to stuff... It just makes me want to cry. Should I talk, or not? That's my question. You have to think about it. I don't want a "Yes! Everyone wants you to! What are you waiting for?" answer. (By the way my heart just had a pain. Ow ow ow ow ow...) I need someone to think about it. In '10, my life has changed so badly because of this. My grandpa died, I saw family, I got begged by so many people to talk, my dog died, I met new friends, and I think my family has gotten used to it. Would they ask why I stopped? Should I ask them if I should talk? Should I waste my life by not talking? Can I talk? I don't even know! Ugh... I need help... (Evil thoughts here since I can't stand it, I'm a clown, depression hurts me. Maybe I could get something if I talk... Like... $100 or a DOG!!!!! Maybe I'll talk if I get a dog.) But this is serious. So many people... So many... I just... I can't explain this. Let me get something I wrote about how I feel about it... Sort of...
Me- Well.... It's like... Imagine this really bad habit. You've been doing it for about a year and people really really hate it. It's a life-changing bad habit, and people want you to stop, they've begged and even sorta abused you over it...?
Then there's like... This feeling in your gut that you cannot, no matter what, end that habit. It has ruined your life, but you just can't stop...
Then you imagine what would happen if you did stop. Imagine you're really sensitive of how people react to big things, and you just.... Just can't get it to work... You've tried when you were alone, and so many people have tried to get you to stop. But you just can't stop.
I just poured my frikkin' life story out...
Friend- I understand.. But, maybe you should think about it. X_X I don't want to be one of those people that beg you to talk, but if you know it's ruined your life and you know you can talk, but you can't do it, when your alone and I mean completely alone with no one near, you should try it... And then if you do try it, your surprised but you still want to talk, write your family a note saying you want to talk but you don't want them to freak out and maybe they can be whatever happiness or shock they get inside. -Feels stupid-
Me- Okay, well...
I get this stupid awkward feeling when I'm around my family. I feel so judged by them. So I feel like if I go to anyone for anything, like my iPod last night, then they would just, well, I don't know... But I feel so stupid around them...
I feel like if I show them something, like a note, they just... Won't accept me? I don't know... Ughhhhhh....
Oh Kathryn :( This made me so sad :(
ReplyDeleteI almost don't know what to say, but I know of someone who went through what you're going through now. Anne Frank. I remember that she felt she was a different person from who she was before the war, but she didn't feel that her family would accept the new her. She wrote all about it, about the mask she wore, and how she didn't feel that she could take it off.
I don't know, but maybe you would relate to her? I really did. She had such a unique and yet a universal point of view.
Also, I kind of went through something like this, -the depression, sadness, stuck feeling- last week, but I somehow pulled out of it, and I honestly think I grew from it, I am a different person from what I was.
I hope that you can figure what is confusing you out, and I want you to know that I love you, just as you are, and just as you will Become.
Three words: You're worth it.
ReplyDeleteI'd accept however you are. Whatever it is that makes you, you.
If there's anything I want you to know, it's that you have an older sister (ME) who feels judged, stupid, ugly, awkward, and extremely selfish. She cries, blames herself for NOT doing things, and feels like there is nobody trust worthy to talk to.
She also feels powerful, smart, beautiful, graceful, talented, and extremely grateful. Now she's teaching herself to open up to others and trust.
She has always wanted an older sister that she could tell anything to.
And now she wants to make sure that her own little sister never has to feel like that again. (Just chided myself for starting a sentence with and.)
She knows that wishes make the world better.
(It has taken me three hours to finally push the 'post comment' button. I just hope I've found the right words to say. If not I've sent the rest of my ramblings in email.)